Rest

It’s time to lay some things down; to get low.
To lay down my weapons, my defenses.
To stop running.
Trying to check the boxes.
Zealous? Ambitious? Yes.
But it’s time to rest, to know rest and not mere relief.
It’s time to open my eyes, to allow the Holy Spirit to open my eyes to all of the places and spaces I strive.
To my idols.
To the things I chase, the things I fight for, the things I wear myself out to accomplish.
It’s time to be quiet.
And listen.
Stop asking questions.
Stop spinning webs of doubt.
Stop seeking answers.
And be still.
God, forgive me for trying to write the story the way I want to see Your goodness. Forgive me for not trusting that what You could possibly have for me is good. Forgive me for not trusting You at all.
Trust requires the laying down of my pride and protection, requires vulnerability and intimacy, requires a stillness that I much prefer to drown out with a cacophony of my capability.
But the chaos is jarring, wearing me down day by day and year by year, and I wonder why it’s so hard to hear You, why it’s so hard to believe the things You say about me.
Maybe because it’s always been about following You, but at a distance, where You can’t touch the insecurities and call out defenses. Because it’s been about me performing, to make You proud, but missing Your presence altogether.
God, send Your refining fire. I invite You to touch the most tender parts of my soul, the ones that are more comfortable silenced, the ones that have made me hide from shame when You have called out, the ones that bring honest tears at a mere mention. Touch the places of pride, the swallowing insecurities, the anxiety that has defined me; the places where I’ve fought to make my place, to earn my worth, to show You that I have something to offer.
Forgive me for how I’ve fought You, wrestled with You, tossed up my doubts and questions like angry daggers. Forgive me for how I’ve tried to shove the puzzle pieces into places they were never meant to fit because I was so desperate for perspective and didn’t have the patience for the process.
All I’ve ever wanted was to please You, but I think I’ve missed it. Because I’ve been trying so hard, that I’ve missed You. And I think if I miss Your presence, I’ve missed the whole point.
It’s time to be still and KNOW who You are.