Although it was nearly seventeen years ago, I can still remember the repeated questioning of family, friends, and strangers alike during my senior year of high school. Some people phrased this with more gentleness and genuine curiosity. “What do you want to be?” Others were more direct. “What are you going to do with your life?”
In such questioning, I think that we—by which I mean I—have a tendency to want to make ‘purpose’ into this single, controlling concept—this one thing that I do, this one thing that I am inherently gifted at, this thing that becomes the passion and fire of my soul so that I don’t do anything else. And the problem with this viewpoint is that I discount anything which doesn’t fit into that ‘purpose.’ (Now, that’s a whole other discussion because purpose and I are regularly, still, having arguments. Wrestling with what purpose is continues to be an ongoing area of growth in my life.)
Last year, I began working with a life coach, which is also another discussion for another time—that could fill up a dozen posts by itself—and this year, because of my conversations with her, I dipped my toes into the world of dreaming again. One of the questions I have been working through is “How could my current—or past—circumstances be the biggest gift in the future?”
This is not a question I appreciate. Because I want to compartmentalize the idea of purpose, and say that everything I have done or am doing means nothing. (I don’t know why I seem to enjoy sabotaging myself in this way, but I do, and we are working on that.) This question left me wrestling, in many ways, with my vocation in the education industry. Really, I never saw myself as a writing teacher or a curriculum developer. While I home educate my children and have enjoyed teaching in a variety of settings in my life, growing a business in this field is not something I am passionate about and not something I ever set out to do. Which, for some people, that might not matter one iota, but I am one of those people who needs to feel inspired by her work (creative brains, anyone?). I have struggled with this year after year because although I love words and I am very good at writing, grammar, etc., I just don’t really have a deep love of teaching MLA format or academic paper formatting.
But as I have been thinking through this question, I have been able to discover so many ways in which my current vocation—which is not to say my ‘purpose,’ just my current paying job—has the potential to shape my future as a writer. As a business owner and as one who owns the type of company that I do, I have learned some incredibly valuable skills, of which I will only cover a few for now, over the last sixteen years.
- First, I have learned how to show up even when I don’t feel like it or am discouraged: I have watched so many people over the years start a business and be really excited about running their own thing, then quit within a year or two because the work is too hard or no longer exciting. I would normally fall into that category, but there is something to be said about the need to pay bills and put food on the table. I went full time with this business because we had a baby on the way and a very quickly diminishing bank account. When you just need to pay rent, quitting when you don’t feel like doing the work isn’t an option any more. Quitting when the process is discouraging is really out of the question. You get up and you work every single day, whether you feel like it or not and even if you don’t see the results. For a creative person like me, this lesson has been the most valuable of any because my habit has been to quit the minute inspiration leaves the room. For the first several years of running this business, though, quitting was not an option no matter how uninspired I felt. We had a mortgage to pay. We had children to feed and clothe. So I kept working, and as much as this is a job I never envisioned myself having, to look back and know that I have stuck with something for sixteen years and created something meaningful makes me so grateful and so proud. And it helps me to see that I can stick to things and be faithful and press through even when my emotions don’t line up.
- I have learned how to write anything I put my mind to. If there is one thing that I believe that I am good at, it is writing. But, for a long time, I really didn’t think I could write content that was meaningful. Sure, I could write about sledding with my friends or what my family did on vacation, but could I write content that made sense to people? That could educate? That could inform? That could help someone? But then I sat down to write my first class, and somehow, I was able to put into words nine lessons about the parts of an essay and how to put those parts together every single time to write something that made sense. That class sold and has become our most popular class, though revised and rewritten probably a dozen times over since 2008, but that was the fuel for me to keep writing. I have genuinely surprised myself year after year at what I have been able to write about. Every time I dream up a new class or new concept, I feel that doubt and hesitation. Where do I begin? I can’t do this. But then I sit down with a cup of coffee and a blank page, my mind kicks into gear, and off we head to the races. And before I know it, I have 80 pages of material about ancient literature or how to write persuasive compositions or what the United States was like in 1824. I’m not afraid of writing anymore.
- Inevitably, though, there is that companion known as writer’s block. This job has taught me how to push through writer’s block. I just sit down and write. I have heard authors give advice about writing: they write every day, even if just a little something, even if they erase all of it. They get something on to the page. They write to a certain word count or set a timer and write until the timer rings. No matter what, they write. For a long time, I chose to believe, instead, that I would only write when I was inspired. Turns out, inspiration doesn’t always feel like it’s there. But, ironically, the thoughts are there and the inspiration flows when I just keep writing. Every single day, or every little itty bitty moment of spare time, which is more like it for me in this season, I write, I write, I write. Sometimes the content makes sense. Sometimes, I go back and rewrite it and rewrite it again. Sometimes, I delete it altogether. But those authors were correct—to be a writer is to write, block or no block.
- I have learned how to write effectively. When I began my company, I don’t think I really knew what made writing effective. I was pretty good at writing papers, but I hadn’t really thought about the components of effective writing until I began trying to teach them to other people. Writing lesson material about writing has helped me to see and understand what makes good writing good and what makes writing engaging. The process has also helped me to learn how to organize concepts in a way that is beneficial and informative for other people which is important if you are going to write a book.
- I have learned how to create something that doesn’t fit the mold. Interestingly, the reason I started my company is that I had applied to several other companies offering similar services and was turned down because I did not have a college degree in English. This frustrated me. They wouldn’t even let me show them what I knew about writing or grammar. No degree, no conversation. So I started my own company. And now, I am exploring the world of being a writer who doesn’t fit the mold. I don’t have a massive social media following, and I am not sure I want to be published by any mainstream company in the industry. Still, the world of being a writer today has so many opportunities for those who don’t want to follow the normal path, and I have learned enough about doing that—and grown confident enough in all of the not-very-normal paths I have chosen in my life—to realize that I can be a successful writer even if I don’t fit the mold.
- Finally for today, I have learned the importance of pushing through imposter syndrome. About that college degree—when I started my company, and for many years after, I was terrified that parents would find out I didn’t have higher education, pull their kids from classes, and blast my deficiencies all over the web for everyone to see. Still, there’s a bit of that fear niggling in the back of my mind even to this day. But, it has been sixteen years since I began this journey—sixteen years of teaching writing—and I have enough experience now after having worked with thousands of families and students to know that I and my company have something to offer. Imposter syndrome, though—it’s real. I don’t always advocate for this mindset, but in many places, I think “fake it until you make it” is as true as it gets. When you start something, you will be new at it. Duh? You will feel totally unqualified, completely out of your element. You will be Googling late at night things like “how to write a proper privacy policy for your website” and “how do I know if my website has cookies”? You will call people with questions about tax forms; read stacks of books about writing essays—written by other people, just to make sure that what you are teaching isn’t totally off-center from what all the other children in the world are being taught; and learn from all manner of mistakes and challenges. You will be, as my children love to call it, a newb. But, isn’t that reality? We all have to start somewhere. Even the most talented and successful people in the world were once new at this thing. So, although I feel very much like an imposter in the writing industry, and how dare I think I have something of value to say to the world, I at least know how to recognize imposter syndrome and push through it.
So, maybe this is something you could think about in your own life. Rather than discount your present or past circumstances, how have those things already become a gift to you, or how might they be a gift in your future?
Feature Photo by Jessica Lewis 🦋 thepaintedsquare: https://www.pexels.com/photo/ball-point-pen-on-opened-notebook-606541/
Cati Grape 